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Friday, May 28, 2004

Neanderthals Down by the Gene Pool

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"The Neanderthals will be filibustered," remember Senator 'Bush Hating' Kennedy's reaction to the GOP all night whine-a-thon on the blocking of judicial nominees? The Republican response was to parade the two darkest-skin-toned-blocked-nominees and claim Ted was a racist. This was repeatedly asserted on all the Faux-News shows.

Obviously someone thinks these two are Neanderthals, those sub-humans who lost their heritage and gene pool to the dominant superior Cro-magnon. Ironically it wasn't Kennedy who identified these two.

Were Neanderthals replaced by those better in every way and probably blond? Well, all the home-school history is from films like "100 Million Years BC" (That’s a 100,000,000 years before Christ)where Raquel Welch is threatened with a fate worse than death by a pack of brutish dark, hairy clan members lusting after the blonde, blue-eyed Raquel in the bunny-skin bikini.

Or that other film where the golden-tressed Darryl Hannah, who should never get nekkid down by the river. The audience of well meaning autodidacts, yelling at the TV, "he's coming to rape you! Please just turn around and look." One wonders if that's why she kept dreaming up new weapons systems.

Let's not to forget the liteterary-millionare-GOP-agent Michael Crithton and the film, "The 13th Warrior," which really shows how those inferiors like the flesh of humans because they hate bush, berries, and grain. Thank Thor for those noble Scandinavians for saving the manor house and ridding the land from these brutish illegal-immigrants.

The message is that Neanderthals are scary, they have their own ways, want our women, and if you’re not fast enough they’ll eat you.

But what can science teach us about those who lived on the land before Mr. and Mrs. Homo Superior moved into the neighborhood. Not a whole lot. They were first brought to attention from Germany, a country with a less than sterling reputation on race relations, in the Valley of Neander. German scientists determined from a pile of bones that they were of a dark and brutish nature as it fit their preconceptions. Quite a conjecture really when all that was discovered was that they buried their dead with ritual.

What do we know about the moderns who came after? Well, there’s this recently discovered 8,000 year old Austrian who died from a spear wound and/or frostbite - connection or conspiracy theory? Were the Neanderthals killed off in the survival of the fittest or in fighting over bathing blondes?

Modern man is a very aggressive breed. We know from the earliest writings that this pinnacle of human evolution will have sex anything, i.e. vegetable, mineral, animal, best friend, best friend’s significant other, and best friend’s children.

Most likely between the two races there was a lot of interbreeding and children that didn't look like the parents.

So there is a bit of Neanderthal in everyone alive today. And that earliest of dirty secrets is probably the primal cause of racism.