Mr. Mechanical Heart of Darkness

For a preview of tonight's Vice-Presidential Debate, let's turn to Jon Carrol:

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. This evening, for the first time, we may get an answer to the vital question: Dick Cheney, double- dealing plutocrat or incarnation of evil?

A great deal hangs on the answer. Alan Smithee, emeritus professor of answers at UC Berkeley, said: "If Cheney is indeed the incarnation of evil, that posits the existence of a supernatural universe, and leads inevitably to further questions not generally considered by the electorate."

Among these questions, suggests Smithee, is the very viability of monotheism itself. "If Cheney is the sole incarnation of evil, as many suggest, Satan's only representative on the earthly plane, then the Hindu and Buddhist communities are going to have to, as they say, go back to the old drawing board. This would be even more true if, during the debate, Cheney caused the earth to open up and John Edwards to fall from a precipice into the yawning jaws of Hades."

Experts agree, however, that such an outcome is unlikely. The Bush campaign understands that hints of any direct satanic connection at this point would be counterproductive. Even if Dick Cheney does indeed have the power to cause kine to sicken, probably he would not do that. The nation's kine ranchers would probably swing to the Democratic column.

On the other hand, if Cheney is joined onstage by a host of evil flying monkeys and other demons, polytheism is still very much in play. Indeed, the small groups of Democrats who do worship evil flying monkeys would see the manifestation as a gesture to their side, and flock to the polls in higher- than-usual numbers.

The Edwards campaign says -- wait, where is the Edwards campaign? It is apparently campaigning in the swing states, including Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey and Harry James. In a statement Sunday, the Edwards campaign said it would never use a dopey joke that hardly anyone would understand.

The Edwards campaign has consistently taken the high road, refusing to accuse Cheney of any covert evil powers. "We think he's a bad man, yes," said an unnamed Edwards spokesman, "but we do not think that he has, say, cloven hooves. Not that we have ever seen his feet."(more...)