Politics, Sex, Religion, and all those impolite Human Conversations...

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Location: Oaksterdam, California

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Kerry and Nader Splitting Hairs

Big Picnic has an exclusive on the Nader correspondence to Kerry:

-KERRY, you can save a lot of money by cutting your own hair. I do it, and it looks fine.

- KERRY, take it from me, if you say the goal of your election is something like "sending a message" then you can claim you're winning no matter what happens. Your problem is that you stick to the boring old way of thinking about elections.

- KERRY, to win the election you need to embrace an inclusive "big tent" strategy that includes all different kinds of Americans: from Phish groupies, to vegans to the band members in Phish.

-KERRY, if you go behind Bonanza Bagels on 14th Street around 11:35 they throw out all the old ones from the day before. Completely Free!

- KERRY, I notice you haven't been taking my advice. Bad move.

- KERRY, add "corporate" to any insult to make it much better. For example, when you say "Bush's disastrous education plan" or "The failed war planning of this presidency has led to quagmire" instead say Bush's disastrous corporate education plan or The failed corporate war planning by this corporate presidency has led to a quagmire.

- KERRY, I've had enough of your corporate candidacy this week, so I give you NO ADVICE!

- KERRY, just say you're going to bring the troops home, that will encourage the terrorists to bomb the way to victory for you.

- KERRY, you're never going to win an election if you have to run against a third party candidate. Bad move.

- KERRY, keep an extra candy bar in your back pocket for a quick boost of energy in between speeches. But remember, Hershey's is a corporate candy bar, so I prefer to buy independent organic candy that tastes like shit.

- KERRY, back when you were in Vietnam you shouldn't have thrown out your medals.

- KERRY, on the third level in Super Mario 3 you can get the magic flute by getting the raccoon tale and ducking on the white block until you drop into the background.

- KERRY, like anything politics takes practice. Before running for president, I went to the Bush daughters' high school and sabotaged anyone running against them.

- KERRY, you shouldn't have said that thing about meeting with foreign leaders back at the beginning. That really made you look bad.

- KERRY, Pick me as VP because I already have some NADER/kerry 04' bumper stickers I made on my computer.

- KERRY, constantly remind people that Bush does stuff for oil.

- KERRY, those pants you wore on Russert made your ass look HUGE.

- KERRY, a lot of things are racist.

- KERRY, in a lot of cases the person who smelt it didn't delt it. That's a corporate lie.

- KERRY, oh man! That speech I gave last night made you look like a total asshole! I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to show your sorry face today. I'm just saying, I'm going call you out on your shit, dude.

- KERRY, I saw what your spokesman said about me. not cool, Kerry. NOT cool.