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Location: Oaksterdam, California

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Listlessness, v. 1.0

One cure for being listless is to make lists.

It's that time of year to give awards for 'best of the year' or make lists.

I''m going to start by cherrypicking my favorites from a compilation of things to be thankful for provided byM. Kane Jeeves , also known as Ed Naha:

-I’m thankful that Mike “Brownie” Brown wasn’t head of FEMA when Noah set out to collect two of each type of animal before the great Biblical flood. Had Brownie been involved, the only animals roaming the planet today would be weasels.

-I’m thankful that Bill Frist is not my veterinarian.

-I’m thankful that no Dennis Hastert sex tape has surfaced on the web.

-I’m glad that Scooter Libby’s name is “Scooter Libby.” It will make him so much more popular in prison.

-I’m glad Donald Rumsfeld never became a Boy Scout troop leader, thus leading to kids getting a merit badge in “waterboarding.”

-I’m glad crooner John Ashcroft gave up on his dream of teaming with Jerry Lewis and playing Vegas.

-I’m thankful that Congress’ new spending cuts didn’t include killing the firstborn child of every Food Stamps recipient. (Again, put on the back-burner until after the ‘06 elections.)

-I’m happy George Bush Sr. has found a surrogate son in Bill Clinton, because his own kids display the sensitivity and smarts of Morlocks.

-I’m glad Scott McClellan acts like a gerbil on a hot plate during his “press briefings.”

-I’m thankful that Tom DeLay still shellacs his hair. There’s always the chance of an errant red-hot ember making contact.

-I’m grateful Katherine Harris has stopped combing the snakes in her hair in public.

-I’m thankful that, now, whenever Karl Rove’s name is uttered, so is the phrase “CIA leak investigation.”

-I’m thankful that Pat Robertson has come down with terminal “foot-in-mouth disease.”

-I’m grateful that Jerry Falwell now issues a hellfire ‘n’ brimstone statement one day and, then, retracts it the next.

-I’m happy that Rush Limbaugh may soon have to explain his “Hillbilly Heroin” ways to a jury, after damning liberal drug addicts for so many years.

-I’m thankful that slimeballs like Jack Abramoff and Randy “Duke” Cunningham kept a lot of records while doling out to and accepting money from Republican cronies.

-I’m thankful that men like Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald still exist, ready to do the “just the facts, ma’am” Dragnet deal when dealing with a corrupt group of politicians.

-I’m thankful that a few Democrats are finally reaching around to the small of their backs and discovering that their spines are still intact.

Go read the full list, it is so much better that this sampling...